Wanna progress.

Most days I don’t feel like I’m progressing. I wake up and care for my children and do my best to just keep them happy all day long. By the end of the day I am tired. I’m in bed around 9. Before I hit my head to my pillow I pray and contemplate the day. I think… “hhhmmm, what did I even do today?” Sometimes I feel like it’s very comparable to that movie “Groundhog Day”, Although I do try to do something different with my kids every day just to remind myself it’s at least a different day. I look at my children and admire their growth and development. It’s astounding. I look at myself and just see wrinkles developing, saggy boobs that just keep saggin’, stretch marks and a flabby belly that just won’t get tight. I see tired eyes, yet hopeful eyes. Today was one of those days that I just wondered if I’m making progress. As the end of the year approaches I just want to set things into perspective. I did a little test today to see if I could do more pull ups than a year ago just to get some instant gratification as I keep thinking if I’ve progressed anywhere else in my life. I did grow there. I just want to keep growing and becoming a better person. As I keep thinking of what goals I want to set for this new year  to progress here are the two video comparisons of my pull ups.

Today’s pull-ups

January 2013 Pull ups


The last 2 months.

The last post was September 29, so I figure it’s time to break the silence a little bit on this blog. Running as definitely taken the back seat. I’m back to fearful feelings when I do run. Thoughts like “I hope I just don’t collapse” and “what if I go out for a run today and don’t return back home to my kids?” and “Can my heart really take this?” and “Good thing my running partner knows CPR.” and “I really shouldn’t be doing this…” and “It’s not that big of deal, dang it! It’s just __ many miles.”

Okay, so you get the idea… I worry about the ole ticker. I got over that fear completely last year and felt on top of the world most days. I never took one single run for granted. I was reliable to my running partner and never had an excuse, except for the 2 times I was up all night with sick kiddos. I am back to the “full of excuses” kind of runner. Anyway, instead of trying to find every excuse why not to run, I have put my energy into other things. I’ve been doing P90X daily and little 3 mile jogs every now and then to feel my heart beat. I now LOVE my 3 mile jogs and find healing in the fact I can at least do that. They are slow and very enjoyable. I have to be slow, so I recruited my husband to run with me. He wouldn’t let me run fast even if I wanted to. Good thing I don’t want to, because I’m defiant and would do it anyway.

Today is the 13th day I have been off sugar!! I thought running would somehow heal my heart. I thought it would make it stronger when it was in a resting state. It didn’t work quite how I had thought it would. So, I’m on to the next idea of my mission to make my heart healthy. I found this picture of a lady snorting powdered donuts. Yes, I have actually snorted sugar before. Why? Because it was in High School, maybe middle school… and it was all peer pressure. It was those nasty Pixy Sticks. Full on sugar. It hurt my nose, so it didn’t happen again. I did snort all sorts of other stuff though. It’s so weird. I know this! I have a picture of me doing it for proof. It’s somewhere in my closet where it should remain, but I’ll hunt for it another day. Anyway, I LOVE SUGAR. I am addicted to sugar. I know you normal people out there would want to argue with me and say that sugar is not an actual addiction. I don’t care what you say. For me, I am addicted. I am a huge binge eater. You don’t believe me because I’m small in frame. Funny, and that’s okay. I am. I binge, and nope, I don’t throw up, but I will skip main meals. I binge so hard on bags and bags of chocolate goodness that my thoughts will make me feel like a worthless piece of nothingness. I don’t want to fight with these thoughts anymore. I wanted to be level headed and my hormones as level as possible. Women are crazy. This is true. Lovely, but crazy! I don’t need to put examples up, you all know where your crazy hides. For the last 13 days I have felt weird without my emotional binges. The first 4 days were incredibly difficult. I had my first chocolate dream on night 4. I woke up in a sweat thinking I had broken my challenge that I made to myself. Whew! Just a dream… My second dream of eating chocolate was the other night. It was Cadbury’s chocolate!! My favorite!! I have tried this getting off sugar thing many times. This time is different because I am pulling from my own brother’s addiction that took his life to keep me motivated. My puny addiction is nothing to overcome in comparison to what he fought every day to overcome. It’s been a very great experiment so far. There you have it. This is what I’ve been doing the last 2 months on my physical/mental side of the things. -Telly

Not sure where this picture comes from. Found it googling “sugar addicts.” 😉


The day after.

Well, yesterday’s post was the 100th post on here. How fitting! I woke up this morning wondering if it was really true. Did I really just get that news handed to me yesterday? I have had some time to read more about what my Cardiologist was talking about yesterday and what it means for me. I was shocked yesterday when I threw that post up and didn’t think too much about what I was doing. I have had some time now to think about my options and with a good night sleep things feel better. I was a little emotional after I got off the phone, but that emotion changed pretty quickly as I realized that “it only makes sense”. I can’t have any more children because the risk is too high for causing my Post-Partum cardiomyopathy to relapse. Women do have babies after they’ve had this heart condition and some do great. A lot of them end up on medication. It’s not my place to say they’re being reckless or thoughtless, but in my case and for me, I would consider myself to be thoughtless and reckless to get pregnant. I do not want to go through all of that again. There are groups that I’m apart of that are very helpful and the unity within the PPCM group is tight and it strikes the very core of every one of us when we hear that another woman in the group passed away because of this heart condition. People can live great happy lives with such heart conditions and I plan to. I decided when I started running that I would not let this diagnosis rule my life. It came so fast and flipped my world upside down. I hate talking about it because I just want to move on. It’s what I fight for everyday. When a scare occurs that same fear robs my ability to cope. When I can’t cope, I go for a run. Hhhmmm, Life is funny!

When they drew my blood they were running a BNP test. For the wikipedia lovers you can read about it here. My BNP results were over 600 indicating moderate heart failure. The Cardiologist’s concern was that the test was 5 days after my marathon, and although it may be normal to have a slight increase just after the run it’s not okay to have over 600 at any time. Here is an outline of what BNP levels mean:

  • BNP levels below 100 pg/mL indicate no heart failure
  • BNP levels of 100-300 suggest heart failure is present
  • BNP levels above 300 pg/mL indicate mild heart failure
  • BNP levels above 600 pg/mL indicate moderate heart failure.
  • BNP levels above 900 pg/mL indicate severe heart failure.

I talked with my husband and dad. They both bought flight tickets and we were all planning on going to Boston together so I could run it. I told them that I’m just not willing to take the risk to run it, but that I earned that spot to do so and I’m going to go and cheer the runners on. I will support Becky as much and best I can and will only dream of doing what she’s living. I’m not a jealous person. Jealousy has never been a weakness of mine. I am so happy for her! I can not wait for her to cross that finish line. I will be there! My tears are on the surface because this was my dream. This was my goal. I worked very hard for it.

I complained to my husband every day I had to go for a run by myself that I needed a dog. I’m scared of the dark. I hate it. I don’t do well by myself at night and I certainly don’t like running in it. Somehow he is ok with me getting a dog as a running companion. I want a Rhodesian Ridgeback and he wants the Weimaraner. He said last night “well, now we don’t need to get a dog if you’re not running anymore.” I’m still getting my dog, and I’m still going to run (just nice, easy, and low normal miles). I will name him Boston and call him Boss.

Life is learning to adjust. It’s just what it is.


Everyone’s midnight comes.

I just got off the phone, like, 15 minutes ago. I’m trying to process the phone call with the biggest stomach ache. It was that Cinderella midnight feeling. The time has set for me.

My Cardiologist’s office called and I talked with Dr. Calame’s assistant. She is calling in a prescription for the good ole vitamin “potassium”. My potassium is low. I had an Echo done on Thursday and blood drawn to check my heart and kidney function.

Let me back up a little bit. I got really sick after my marathon and a couple days after the race day I was hugging the toilet vomiting all day. I felt terrible. I guess it’s normal for people to get sick after they run long. Their immune systems aren’t as high and so they are susceptible to  getting sick. Lately I’ve been getting really sick after my longer strenuous runs. I had to quit the ultra race because of how sick I was and again after the marathon I was just disgustingly ill. So, with worry I called my cardiologist’s office and they got me in the very next morning.

Now, back to what I was saying… Dr. Calame’s assistant is always the one who relays information to me from him, but this time she said Dr. Calame wanted to talk to me himself, so she transferred me. His first words “Hello, Hello.” Then followed by saying how great the echo looked. I was thinking “I’m such an idiot. I worry over nothing. How embarrassing to be so dramatic to call him.” He then said “there are some things that are abnormal. You really overworked your heart.” He explained that something in my heart measures over 600 when the normal levels are 200. I’m not sure what he said because my mind was spinning with confusion. He then said “Shantell, if I were you I would think long and hard about ever doing this to your heart again!” I said “Really?” He then very sternly said “Really!” He told me to stop running the long distance and run for my health only.


Okay, I turned to this blog because I like to get things out when they are fresh in my mind. I will not be running the Boston marathon. I don’t know what to do. The flights are booked. We just booked the hotel today. Do I go anyway and cheer on my friend Becky? I’m on the verge of tears.




*sorry it’s such a long post. I’ll put my marathon splits at the very bottom of this post*

What a run! I hydrated really well before the race. I drank a crystal light energy and 16 oz. of water after I had used the honey bucket, so I knew I would be hitting another toilet shortly after the run would start. It was like jumping on a trampoline for the first 4 miles every pound made my bladder more loose and I started to pee my pants. Seriously? This early in the race and this is already starting? I made it to the toilet just in time around mile 4. Stopping like that made my hip instantly act up and I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. I had an ibuprofen 800 in my pocked that I knew I could take if I absolutely needed to. I was happy to go to the bathroom in the beginning since I could make up time going down the canyon. I wore 3 different pace bands. I first wrapped the 3:30 pace band on my wrist. This was my worst case pace I would want to hit. Next I loosely wrapped the 3:20 band. To finish the race in a 3:20 was my goal. I really wanted to run this marathon the same minute miles I ran my first half marathon last year 2 days after Aaron had died. I knew it was aggressive for the lack of speed training I had done, but nonetheless, I knew I could do it with the downhill of the canyon. I wrapped the 3:15 pace band over the 3:20. I knew if I could use the 3:15 pace band to get me out of the canyon in 2 hours then I’d have some time to walk through the rest of the water stations and perhaps enough time to run slower on the hardest stretch of the race. Days leading up to this race I was torn whether to shoot for the goal or just be okay with running with a pacer to get me a qualifying time for Boston. I took the risk, and it payed off well. I followed the 3:15 and then ripped it off just as I hit the mouth of the canyon. I hit the mouth 1 minute behind the 3:15 paceband. I was in pain from that ridiculous downhill. my calves were as hard as rocks, and my quads were just as tense. My running stride quickly changed to a lopsided weird run since I was trying to go easy on the ole hip. At mile 18 is when I plugged my headphones in my phone and listened to “Ellie Goulding” on Pandora. This station really helps me stay distracted. I sang every song that came on. There were people scattered through out the end of this course cheering on their loved ones. I adopted every single one of them and pretended they were all there for me. I wanted to make them all proud. I threw the peace sign to many of them, and smiled, and waved. I even thanked them for cheering. One police officer around mile 22 clapped just for me (I was on my own at this point) I felt his strength for me, and I knew I could do it. I read a sign along the course that read “It took courage to start. It takes faith to finish”. This resinated in my head over and over again. At mile 24 I was going down. NNNOOOO!!!! I looked down at my watch and saw it was hitting over a 9 minute pace. Dang-it! Then I saw Tara Summers running towards me. I wasn’t sure what she was doing. I thought maybe she was just going to stand on the corner and cheer people on, but then she turned around and started running with me. What an angel!! Seriously, she totally picked me up. She coached me the whole way in. I told her I couldn’t talk. My breath was as heavy as it gets when I run a 6 min/mile. I was panting and wanting to just stop. She ran ahead to the water station and picked me up a water cup. Who does this stuff for others? I stopped for a little bit to drink it. If she wasn’t there saying “K, come on, let’s go. You’ve got this!” I would’ve just shuffled to the finish line. I kept my head hanging down low just staring at my tired thighs and she said “Look up, look at that guy in the yellow. That’s your point. Go get it.” That was like hanging a carrot in front of a horse to keep it walking. Every time my eyes would float south I forced them up again to find the guy in yellow. She talked me through every step. The corner to turn into the very last .40ish mile was approaching and I saw my sister standing on the corner. I threw my hand in the air so she would know it was me. When I got closer I realized my brother Luke was there holding a sign in Aaron’s place. I busted into tears, but had to suck it up and finish this race. Charmaine ran on my right and Tara on my left as we got closer to the finish line. Tara told me to get a girl that I had noticed had been running stronger than me and a little ahead of me. That was blood for me. When someone challenges me I always step up. I looked at that girl and wanted to smoke her. A little boy darted right in front of me and I lost site of that girl so I pounded it forward hoping I had passed her. I near trampled the little child and yes, I did pass that girl. I was extremely light-headed and didn’t notice the loads of people yelling and clapping. It was incredible. I was nearing the finish line when I saw my mom standing in the middle of it just behind it. I was shocked that she was there. She just had knee surgery. Was I hallucinating? That’s when I really thought I was losing my mind. I’ve hallucinated before. In fact, I’ve hallucinated in Switzerland and saw her walk across my living room. When I really want my mom I seem to just pretend she is there. ha! Anyway, she stretched out her arms and I ran right into them. It was awesome to run into her. It was not the best idea to stop dead from my sprint because I had no time to cool down and I blanked out and fainted. Shinade caught me from behind and sat down behind me to rest my body in her lap. I think I heard her say “you did it telly! You did it!” If it wasn’t her then it was Aaron. (That could be crazy thinking, but for me it’s wishful thinking. 😉 I couldn’t open my eyes because they were just fluttering. I knew people were asking me questions, but come on medics… I hear you, but it’s taking a while for my brain to get it off my lips. “What’s your name?” They asked. I know my name, just give me a sec. Then a doctor ran over and took his knuckles and roughly rubbed them on my sternum. Um, Ouw!! I looked at my dad on my left and then fainted again. They put me on a gurney and moved me to the medical tent. They started poking me with needles trying to find a good vein and put an oxygen mask over my face. They flipped me over on my left and yanked my sweaty nasty shorts down and shoved a thermometer up my bum. Wow! It felt like this was all going so fast. My family had told them I had a heart condition so they called an ambulance and hooked me up to an EKG  machine. It all felt a bit dramatic. I know it was because I just stopped dead in my run. Bad idea!! Bad idea people! After breathing in sufficient oxygen I said “I feel great!” I sat up and said “I really don’t need anymore needles in my arm.” They wanted to draw blood and everything. They were very wonderful and I’m sure they had fun practicing all sorts of medical stuff on me. The paramedics were there with the ambulance and had me sign a waiver saying I declined the transportation to the hospital. Really? I was not going to the hospital. How embarrassing. I’d rather pee my pants! Who wants to leave the after race party with all the free goodies? I hobbled off the gurney and wobbled away. My poor hip just hates what I’ve done to it. My family had lined the last 6 miles with posters. They were beautiful and made me smile. My support was phenomenal! Tara was incredible for coaching me in! Mile 24 was 9:03, and then Tara came and got me an 8:36 for mile 25 and 8:18 for mile 26. I could not have got that pace without her running next to me. I will definitely pay that one forward!!

All in all…

**I qualified for Boston by 15 minutes. I placed 3rd in my age division. According to my chip time on the website I finished in 3:19:32 (7:37 average pace)

** I loved the marathon. The distance wasn’t so much the challenge as sustaining pace for that distance. I’d like to run another, but with less pressure on myself.

** I stopped to hit the toilet 3 times.

** I love my family

** I love Tara

** I’ll never stop dead in a run again

** I walked through every aid station to drink water

** I had gu every 5 miles

** I had a cup of Gatorade, and only one cup the whole race, AND NOT WITH GU!! I read that it was a bad idea to mix both.


WEEK18: total miles: 30.2

Rest day


TUESDAY: 2 miles
mile 1: 8:31
mile 2: 7:34


Rest day


Rest day


FRIDAY: 2 miles

It was the last hurrah run with Becky before the marathon.

mile 1: 8:40
mile 2: 8:19


SATURDAY: Marathon Day!! 26.2 miles.





WEEK 17: total miles: 28

Ran a very easy 4 miles today. I called my sister to run with me today. It’s been a long time since I ran with her. We kind of just shuffled through the run. It was very slow. I’m trying to be ridiculously cautious with my running. Average pace was over 10 min miles. 🙂


I had to dig deep today to find motivation. I think my mind has caught on to the fact it’s cut back week because I just want to sleep all day and night. I did a .25 walking warm up at a steep incline then took off for my 4 miler. I ran on the treadmill since I decided to sleep in. The kids played much better in the playroom which made treadmill running a little more bearable.

Pace 7:30


The start of the run was a little stiff. I did a tough leg workout Monday night and I’m paying for it. Other than the sore muscles I felt really good. It was another treadmill run because I wanted to sleep in again. I find it hard to get up so early to only run 4 miles. Average pace 8:14.


Ran with Becky a little later in the morning. It was a slow 4 miles. My engine in my legs never fired up. I nice 8:51 pace that felt like an 8:00 pace. Nice! <—- sarcasm!


Another slow crawl. I’m not going to let this get in my head though. I have had better days and this week my body must know it’s coming to an end. 8:54 average pace.


4 miles. Ran up to Gold’s gym to meet up with Charmaine and Barry, but had to cut out lifting weights to head down to my mom’s to help her out.



mile 1: 6:42
mile 2 6:56
mile 3 7:03
mile 4 7:06
mile 5 7:04
mile 6 7:08
mile 7 7:40
mile 8 7:49
mile 9 7:34
mile 10 7:45
mile 11 7:12
mile 12 7:08
mile 13 6:44
mile 14 7:27
mile 15 7:17
mile 16 7:18
mile 17 7:16
mile 18 7:41
mile 19 7:45
mile 20 7:50
mile 21 8:28
mile 22 8:23
mile 23 8:25
mile 24 9:03
mile 25 8:36
mile 26 8:19


WEEK 16 MARATHON TRAINING + gluteus medius tendinopathy

This blog has been taken over with my marathon training. Are you tired of it yet? I am. 😉 I’m getting antsy! I want the day to come and wave it good-bye. Training has been long and tiresome. I’ve had minor owies along the way. This last week I went to a sport’s medicine Dr. to get my hip looked at. It’s really bothering me. After my runs it takes me a while to be able to walk again. It is very painful and my range of motion with it is small. I walk like a gimp until I take some ibuprofen. I don’t want to be popping that daily though. I had an ultrasound of my hip and found that it’s gluteus medius tendinopothy. My hip is nicely inflamed and I’d say it hurts like hell, but I’ve never been there, so I’ll just say it hurts to the point that my walking ability has been challenged. I will start treatment on it after the marathon. I asked if I could do the treatment while I run and his response was “yes, but you won’t want to. It’s too painful.”  I take ibuprofen 800 before a run and it still acts up a bit. I have 2 weeks to take it easy before the run. I don’t know what to expect. I’m excited to see how freakishly hard this is going to be.

Weekly miles: 35.10


40 minutes weighted squats and lunges. A lot of leg work.

20 minutes kickboxing

60 minutes “Stretch X” from P90X


Ran with Becky today. It was nice to get a 5 miler over so early in the morning. I came home to sleeping bodies, so I did the 1 hour “Stretch X” from P90X. One hour of stretching really feels amazing!!!!! I’ll be doing a lot of stretching these next 3 weeks. I don’t feel ready to hit my goal, but I feel totally ready for a full marathon.

average pace: 8:25

mile 1: 8:45
mile 2: 8:36
mile 3: 8:33
mile 4: 8:21
mile 5: 7:54


My legs felt heavy today. I just couldn’t get a good burst of energy. Becky had already ran her 8 miles, so she took one for the team and ran my 8 with me. I needed that push today. I find that when I’m emotionally drained that my physical level sinks with it for a while. I can usually climb out of it, but yesterday was particularly a sad day. Its why I run though… It turns a negative into a positive. It helps me realize that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness. I can’t run their miles. They are on their own. I can only choose to change my life. I didn’t eat my emotions yesterday, so YAY me!! I’m improving!


Oh man, I have lead legs! I just did not want to move them today. I ran 2 miles on the treadmill 8:00 min/miles, then 1 mile on the elliptical, then 2 more miles on the treadmill 8:00 min/miles.


Ran 4 miles with Becky. I agreed on 3, but then when she got here it quickly turned to 4. That always seems to happen… I am now covered in mosquito bites. I’m counting this 4 mile run as my 4 miler I’m supposed to do tomorrow. I’m sticking to early morning pilates and resting before the Layton half marathon.




Becky and I paced the 2:00 time slot at the Layton Half Marathon. It was a very flat course. It started 20ish minutes late and it was way too HOT to be running! It was so good for me to run slow. My hip is just killing me lately. I’m nervous about the marathon. I’m interested to see how I do, yet nervous about my hip acting up and bothering me during the run. I can do it, right? I keep telling myself that everyone running will be battling their own injuries and mental abilities. I’m not the exception.




I am now 3 weeks away from the big day! I’ve planned longer for this Marathon than I did for my wedding, and every pregnancy. That’s crazy! Just crazy!! It’s been an unreal experience so far. I highly recommend putting your body through this experience. I have learned so much about myself and how to deal with life and it’s hard trials. I know that no matter how much you train for something things can still fall apart. I have fallen apart a lot and it’s been great! I’ve cried in pain. I’ve laughed at the pain. I’ve not been able to walk normal for days after a tough run. I have met AMAZING people! I have developed life long relationships with some really great women. Anyway, I am just so happy today. Yesterday was my last 20 miler and last long run. It was such a fun run! Most fun run I have ever ran. I laughed A LOT!! It released some very happy hormones in my brain. Best high I had ever experienced. Mile 17 will always be dear to my heart because I almost peed my pants laughing. I had to stop running to let all the laughter out. I had never experienced that before. Becky has been a rock of a running partner. She has been by my side, literally, the whole way. We have traveled many miles together on foot. Love her! This is what my last 2 weeks looked like.

WEEK 14: Total miles: 43


This was a great recovery run. Nice and slow. I ran with Becky and we were still pretty wiped out from the 17 we did on Saturday. I’m trying to figure out what a realistic goal is for me for the Big cottonwood marathon. It’s a hard one to predict since I don’t know how I’ll feel on the day of the race. Hopefully the tapering will get me excited to actually run it… At this point I’m purely nervous!


Becky and I put in 6 easy miles. Still recovering from Saturday. 😉 Reality is setting in for the both of us of what we actually signed up for. We have just one more week of high miles and then it’s cut-back time. This is where I wonder if I’ve done enough… I think I have. I’ve not missed one long run and have put my entire heart into the training. It will be interesting to see where it gets me on race day. I will be able to evaluate myself better once the marathon is over and how to better train for the next one. I don’t even know yet if there will be a next one. It’s all based on my Cardiologist. He’s only given me clearance for one.

 I was feeling like doing some weights, so I did 45 minutes of squats and lunges and a little shoulder work. Felt amazing! I love some good squatting.


Spent all day thinking about doing a run today and finally did it with Becky tonight. It was an ugly run! The sky was ashy with the fire burning. I couldn’t look straight ahead, because every time I did my eyes would be pounded with the ash falling from the sky. I have been sick the last few days and the air quality probably wasn’t the best, but oh well… what’s done is done. Tomorrow we leave for the Tetons to run our ultra relay. I’m nervous, but the group of girls I’m running with are incredible! Best bunch of ladies around. Marathon is 4.5 weeks away…




Grand Teton Relay. I was sick and it kicked my butt!! Worst race for me!!!!



WEEK 15: Total miles: 50




10 mile evening run on Legacy Trailhead.
First 5 miles were 8.22 average pace.
Last 5 miles were 7.47 average pace.


5 mile treadmill run. I ran on the treadmill at the clubhouse since I needed to take my  kids with me while my husband replaced our water heater. It wasn’t as enjoyable as most of my runs are. I watched them the entire time through glass windows as they fought, threw toys at each other, and cried. Those 5 miles were long and frustrating.

3 miles @ 8:00/mile
1 mile @ 7:30/mile
1 mile @ 7:00/mile


Today was great to run with Becky. I feel like I haven’t ran with her in a while with feeling sick and doing more night running lately. We started off at 5:30 am for our 10 miler. This was my recovery run so good thing Becky didn’t push me to go any faster. I felt great to keep it at a nice honest recovery pace. I’m feeling tired now though. Next week is the beginning of tapering, and I’m looking forward to it. I hope that I’ve done enough. It’s the best I could do, so I’m proud of that. Like Tony Horton on P90X always says “Do your best, forget the rest.”

Average pace 8:49


Ran this evening since I’m afraid to run in the dark in the morning by myself. It was a good thing I ate a (maybe I ate 2, but you will never know for sure.) donut, because donuts really motivate me to get my butt moving. 😉

Average pace 7:41


Wanna fight the fear.

Fear to me is something that prevents me from moving forward. Fear to me leaves me nervous. Fear to me fills my mind with doubt. It freezes me. Fear to me has been a new mother wondering if I’d enjoy a future with my children. Fear to me is sitting too long because the fear of walking might have irreparable damage. Fear replaces everything beautiful just like a weed takes over the most beautiful flower.

When I was diagnosed with PPCM after delivering my 3rd child I was struck with fear. The doctor’s restrictions were strict. What if I walked too much, Would my heart just stop? When I started running I thought I was listening well to my own body. Advised to stop running, my cardiologist and I came to an agreement to do no more than a half marathon. When I was training I’d regularly send a text out to my friends canceling my arrival. It was fear that would strike my whole body that maybe I was doing to much and my heart would just relapse.

This last weekend was no different from the fear I had felt in the passed. Am I doing too much? I would say no, but I’m not always good at listening to what my body truly needs. I got sick last Tuesday and never fully recovered before running the ultra relay. That weekend had to have been one of the most miserable weekends EVER! I tried to ignore it. I tried to sleep a little in hopes that a little nap would make me feel better. I was able to run two of my three legs. I just couldn’t find the strength to go through with my 3rd. Everything I ate was completely out of my body within 15 minutes. Staying hydrated was impossible. Worse running conditions ever! With very similar symptoms to what I had when I was first diagnosed with PPCM the fear ravaged my thoughts. Most of my legs were ran without the car and running partners behind me. We were having car issues and this did not calm the fear of maybe passing out on the road. I have never had a problem pushing myself beyond, but the fear was too high this time around. I am still quite sick and have a Dr.’s appt. tomorrow.

One thing I have learned through this is that “such is life!” We practice, practice, practice. We prepare, prepare, prepare. Even if you don’t know you’re preparing you are. You go to grade school to prepare for high school. You go to high school to prepare for college. You go to college to prepare for a career. This is just the process of this life. I prepare for life’s trials by studying the scripture’s. I read uplifting articles to build my faith in God, so when I am faced with the ultimate trial I know to what source I can turn to. Just like we prepare for things to come in our life we can’t fully prepare for the slam of the trial, because they come surprisingly and shockingly, I can’t fully prepare for my races. I do my best. I put in the work, and the work is HARD! When the day comes to perform sometimes all of the preparation feels worthless when my performance is weak. It’s learning to pick ourselves up and putting another step in front of the other. It’s looking at that distant light ahead and knowing the only way to get there is to move forward. It’s knowing that fear will not rule your life. It’s knowing the bigger picture and accepting the bumps in the road as another stone to build your mountain of strength and faith. I am learning to accept my weaknesses. I am learning that my body is not a machine, but it’s mortal and imperfect. I am learning to train hard regardless of disappointing outcomes in every aspect of my life.


This week had some unexpected bumps in the road. Little Joshy got sick and there was very little sleep happening in our house. When I don’t sleep things are way off! I really need my sleep. My miles were quite lower than they were supposed to be this week. Oh well!! I got great quality runs in and that’s more important to me!

Next weekend is the Grand Teton Relay. 🙂

Weekly mileage: 41.50


Drove to Becky’s to start our run at 5 am. We ran an 11 mile loop and it was the hardest loop I’ve ran lately. We ran up 400 North. It was 5 miles to the top. B.R.U.T.A.L!!! We used the walk/run/shuffle method on the ridiculously steep parts. I know… I know… If I have to walk I started off too fast. You’re right. I should have held back more in the beginning of our miles. Mile 5 was an awesome 12:44 pace. Not my best. Oh well… 400 North is now my enemy that I will conquer. 🙂 That was a hard run today. Whew!!! Our overall pace was 8:47. 7 miles were really tough with hills while the last 4 were pretty nice and downhill. I’m just going to say it now… I’m nervous for tomorrow’s tempo. It kicks me around, beats me up, chews me rough, spits me out, then stomps on me. It’s the one workout I really dread. Whatever, I’ll keep showing up in hopes one day my body will get it.


I must have jinxed myself from my complaint yesterday about being nervous for today’s tempo run… My patience, love, and parenthood was tested to his limit last night with my sick baby boy. Some people can go a few nights of crying children before their limit is tested. My limit hits quite quickly in a time span of 1 night. My sleep has always been my number 1 priority my entire life. I value my sleep above everything in this life. I was up from 12:30-6. I sat on the couch with an ill child from 12:30-3:40 and then put him in bed and climbed into my own bed and it wasn’t 10 minutes till he started crying again. So, I returned to the couch and held him till we both fell asleep around 6. There was no way I would attempt a tempo run after that. I took him to the Dr. and he has a virus that has just wiped him out. 😦

I thought about just not running at all today because I tore my house apart spraying everything with lysol, scrubbing walls, and washing everyone’s bedding. All that cleaning can wear ya out! I was ready to crawl into bed at 6:30 when my husband told me that I should run if I want to be my best. With a challenge like that I was dressed and ready to run. Since it was still 94 degrees I drove where the trees are tall and shady, Bountiful Blvd. I love the rolling hills! I was not feeling it today. I had the worst “no sleep headache” and just plain tired, but I had to prove to myself that I could still perform after a sleepless night and busy day. There were bikers next to me climbing the hill and said to the kid lagging behind “Come on! You can’t let a runner beat you!” That was it… I was going to run a steady good run because of that stupid comment. I maintained a great7:31 average. I’m very happy about that after the crappy night and day I had. Now I’m off to my bed to prep for another sleepless night and 10 miler in the morning. tschuess! <– sound that one out. (swiss german)


Man, sleepless nights mess me up! Last night I was on the couch again all night with the little man. I bailed again on my morning run. I was supposed to run 10 miles with Becky, but that didn’t happen. I worked this morning and then sat on my couch all day with my little guy till he fell asleep and then I moved him to his bed and I returned to the couch. I got up to fix myself a salad, 10 oreos, and a king size kit kat. How could I not run after eating oreos, a kit kat, AND sitting on the couch all day? It’s been a long time since I’ve binged like that, so I’m okay with it. Well, I’m okay with it now that I’ve ran some of the calories off. 🙂 I was planning on 8ish miles at an 8:30 pace. I maintained that pace for the first 5 miles. I was quite proud of myself for sticking to that comfortable pace and letting the little legs enjoy the run. But then, my brother joined me in my thoughts. I let the thoughts flow. Song after song on my Pandora radio station fed my desire to see my brother. My last 3 miles were under 8:00 min/miles. I sometimes feel like I’ve gone a little crazy since my brother’s passing. I get at the verge of tears when my sons laugh because I remember Aaron laughing a lot when we were children. I went to Lagoon the other day with my 7 year old and fought the tears the entire time, because his laughter triggered memories that are passed. I run and in the back of my thoughts I am thinking of him the entire time. He loved running. (I was never the runner). He loved to feel his heart beat fast, I was okay with not feeling that. I miss him so deeply. Life has taken some very surprising turns. All this running used to be my therapy, but it may be so that it’s not enough. *sigh* Well, dang-it… Sorry for unloading. My run was great and the average pace was 8:08 (8 has always been my lucky #)


Today was a great workout day. I do love pure cross-training days. I went to the Gold’s Gym with my sister and brother-in-law. We did 20 minutes cardio warm-up. I was highly against running, because that’s all I’ve been doing lately, so while they ran I did the stair climber which got me sweaty. We then moved to the free weights and worked out our arms and shoulders. It was great, and I kind off miss the weights. At the end of our workout we had mini competitions. (who can do the most of certain workout moves) Always a great time with Barry and Charmaine! Now, if I could just get my husband on board. He doesn’t know how fun working out is yet. 😉 I do have to say that he is incredibly supportive of me and my hobbies!




Becky, Andy, and I planned to run the last 14 miles of the Big Cottonwood marathon course. Once we were all in the same car we decided to add 2 more miles. 14, 16, what’s the difference? Well, not much, but jump to 17 miles from 14 and then it gets a little tougher. It was so nice going down the canyon. Easy miles and they flew by. It was a great run until we hit a long stretch of a busy road. It smelt bad and it was UgLy! I felt pretty good for the run. I tried my new Saucony Kinvara’s out and they were lovely! They gave me a couple of blisters, but they felt pretty good for the most part. The marathon is approaching quite fast now and I’m feeling quite nervous. Our average pace was just under 8:00.



I can’t believe it’s been 3 months of this training for one day! It’s alright though. I have really enjoyed the running. Some may call it over training, but I call it “doing what my body feels like doing” and it has loved the running. After the marathon I’m going to incorporate more weight training to build a little muscle on the flab that has developed since running. Some things I love about running is eating whatever the heck I want!! I can’t eat enough calories to support the calories I burn. It’s a great feeling. I don’t run to get skinny. I prefer a little jiggle, as does my husband *wink *wink. I love a good set of strong thighs. They rub together, but they are strong enough to get me up some good mountain climbs. I have met the most amazing people with this running adventure. It’s so inspiring to meet such dedicated, strong, and determined people. When I started running 1 year 8 months ago my good friend, Natalie, said “every runner has a story”. I don’t consider myself a “runner”. I don’t know at which point someone can make such a claim, but running is my healing factor in my story. I run to soul search. I run to find mental peace. I run to hurt. I run to exhaust. I run out of choice. I run for peace. I run to find Aaron. I run to feel my heart pound in my chest cavity. I run to laugh. I run with best friends. I run because I love to feel free. I run to push myself harder than I ever have before. I am forever in debt to my most dear friends Becky, Dena, Jasmine, and Natalie who run with me and are such a big support. I love them! They are amazing women who lift each other and cheer for one another’s accomplishments. I am very lucky to have such beautiful friends in my life.



The 6 mile run is my favorite. It’s not too long and not too short. I love to see a 6 miler on my schedule. Today Becky and met at 5 to start our run. My family was still asleep when I got home and I had 20 extra minutes so I went to the gym and messed around with squats and leg machines. I slept bad last night and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. I can’t go on 5 hours of sleep. I need a good 7+ hours in order to feel like myself.

mile 1: 8:33
mile 2: 8:15
mile 3: 8:13
mile 4: 8:13
mile 5: 8:23
mile 6: 8:12

Average 8:17

Tonight I have a hill training run with Dena and Jasmine. 3-4ish miles
400 North hill was the beast it’s always been. 2 miles up. 2 miles down.   
mile 1: 11:22
mile 2: 11:15
mile 3: 7:00
mile 4: 6:11

Average: 8:55



Today’s run was similar to the dreams I have when someone is chasing me and I can’t seem to get my legs to move and I wonder why they just won’t go any faster.

I started with a 1.2 mile warm-up 8:29 pace, then met up with Jasmine, Kam, Andy, and Tara to get my butt kicked. They are incredibly fast. It’s inspiring! Tara told me today about a comment that someone had made in her church yesterday about not comparing your talents to those who are better. Good thing she told me that at the beginning of our run… Maybe she had a little inkling of how my run was going to blow up. Kam’s idea of a 5 mile tempo was slightly longer. 😉 I decided that 4 miles was were I hit my limit. I backed off for mile 4, and Andy hung back with me. Thank you Andy. You make running look easy! As soon as my watch beeped at mile 4 I was done. I stopped dead and watched Andy and Tara zoom off. Kam and Jasmine had long ditched us. I love to see and run with such strong runners. It gives me something to aspire to. I knew if I walked the rest of the way it’d take me forever to get to my car so I picked up a very slow jog. Then I saw Kam running toward me. Thanks Kam! We were then joined by Andy and Jasmine. That support felt very nice after falling apart at mile 4. I’m just going to go ahead and trust that today’s run will somehow improve my speed. This morning when my alarm clock went off I picked my phone up and texted Tara to tell her I was out for the run. I deleted it before sending it because I knew it was out of fear and lack of confidence that I really didn’t want to run. I refuse to fall into that fear. The truth is I’m not as fast as them, but they give me something to reach for.



I met up with Becky to do a nice little run. She ran to my house 4 miles and then slowed down to my 9 min/mile pace to run 4 with me. I think she had another 2.5+ miles back home. I was not feeling up to running 10+ miles today.

Today’s 4 miles felt good to just shuffle through. My legs are tired. I’m 6.5 weeks from Big Cottonwood and I’ve got to do the rest of my training right. Up until today I’ve ran every scheduled run that was on my calendar to run. Now I just need to be smart and run for energy and not exhaustion.

Ave pace: 8:58


I slept until 8:10 today. I would’ve slept longer, but my son has already started school and I needed to get him ready and fed. After I dropped him off at school I went to our clubhouse and did 3 rounds of Spartacus. Jasmine joined me for the last bit of my workout and then offered to take my 2 little ones so I could get a run in outside. How could I turn that down? So in 92 degree windy weather I ran 5.5 miles. I didn’t want to bring my watch because I let it dictate to me what my pace “should” be. I did want it just for tracking my miles though. So I brought it and kept it on my clock rather than my pace stats. It would beep every mile, so it kept me on track. I wanted to run easy. My legs enjoyed the pace and my breathing was easy. It was a good run to listen to music and think of my brother.

Average pace: 8:41



REST. Cleaned my house and celebrated my husband’s birthday!!



Today’s run started far too early for a Saturday. It’s always good to get it over with before the sun has enough time to scorch me. Today is my husband’s birthday!! YAY!!! Happy Birthday love!! My sister has my kids so after my run Tim was still in bed so I jumped in the bath to relax my legs.

Anyway, today Jasmine, Dena, Tricia, and I ran to the Bountiful Temple. 7 miles up 7 miles down. It’s a steady climb up 1500 South and then a great climb from Orchard to Bountiful Blvd. My goal today was to stay under 10:30 pace up the hill. It was a 10:17 for that mile. I was very happy with that. It’s a good mountain climb! Once I got to the top of the hill I felt like I could’ve pushed a little harder, but was happy I reserved the energy for the rest of the run. The way home was nice!! It felt so good on my legs to just shake out the uphill. I better go get ready for Becky’s daughter’s baptism.

Ave pace: 8:40